The Third Wheel

Does having children change a husband and wife's relationship? What's the impact of that change? Does it make them closer or cause them to drift apart? The addition of a third wheel in our home definitely brought with it new challenges and learning opportunities. It shaped our relationship for years to come.

A little over six months after being married, my husband and I found out we were expecting our first child. What an exciting time it was for us. It was the excitement of the unknown. Not knowing what to expect because parenthood was something new for the both of us. Did becoming parents affect our marriage in any way? How does one cope with the new addition to the family, while preserving the marriage relationship? In an excerpt from her book, “The Complete Idiot's Guide to Motherhood”, author Deborah Levine Herman stated:

“It is so important not to take your relationship for granted. Couples drift apart for what can seem like the most trivial of reasons, and the stress of a new baby in the house is hardly a trivial pressure. Even without a baby, you know that a good relationship needs constant nourishment and care, so don't let these new pressures make you forget to take that care. Keep those lines of communication open, keep expressing your feelings and lavishing love on one another as much as possible (Herman).”

After giving birth to our eldest daughter, I felt that her needs were much more important than anyone else's. That included my husband's needs. As a new mom, and with each subsequent birth, this pattern pretty much continued. I realize now that I unconsciously allowed myself to become just “mommy” and neglected being “babe” or “sweetie” to my husband. With this realization, I see the impact this had on my relationship with my husband over the years. If only I knew then what I know now.

As a couple, we've learned that our needs come first. We must take care of and tend to each other's needs and desires in order for our relationship to grow and flourish. Does this mean that we have to neglect our children to maintain our relationship? No. Like all things in life, balance is essential.

You might wonder (as some of you have) how my husband and I find time for each other. With six kids, work, a lack of sleep and all the demands of life going on, the key is not finding time but making time. I'll be the first to tell you there's not enough hours in a day, but the amount of time is less important than what you do with your time. It's all about quality over quantity.

Show me the money!. . .

As a first generation American raised by Samoan parents, but influenced by the “American” way, it can catch up to you later in the years. Let me elaborate a little bit.

I'm the third oldest in my family, with five brothers and one younger sister. The only three buildings we knew growing up were: church, school, and home. We weren't allowed the many privileges that the young American teens we grew up around had. These include simple things such as being able to attend school dances, have boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, wear makeup, etc. I couldn't even go to an occasional church dance! And you can imagine how wild those must have been. And Prom, forget about it. There might be boys there!

Fast forward to twenty years of age. I actually get to go to my first 'church' dance. I mean I was twenty years old by then! The funniest thing is that my parents were right about those dances all along. Guess who I met at my first dance? My husband. Hah! I am smiling just thinking about it. Here I am, twenty years old, at my first church dance alone, and I meet this guy who will ultimately become my husband and the father of my children. Sure I had had boyfriends before by then, but I knew none of them were right for me and would never work out. Especially in the eyes of my dad and family. And you know, that's what mattered the most at that point.

Now, my husband grew up outside the four walls of his home. Waaaay outside. He's been there, done that. Did these 'cultural' differences have an effect on our marriage? Sure, and in some ways more than others.

For example: In my home, family is family. Whether, you're immediate, or distant. If we came from the same bloodline, then we're family. When there's a family matter going on that involves money (mainly weddings or funerals) everyone in the 'family' is supposed to help out. The purpose of this is to lessen the financial burden on the individual family member and “share the love” so to speak. Normally, each family is asked to contribute anything ranging from $300 - $1000 depending on the relative and their relationship to the immediate family member. This is something I'm accustomed to. I don't fully agree, but it's a part of my culture and its what I know.

My husband on the other hand, is used to a different way of showing support and love in times of need or loss. He instead often lends his hand by helping out in the kitchen, around the family's house, or giving maybe as much as $100-200 (and that's if he really likes you). In his culture (which I also know), the majority believes in saving up for your own wedding, or buying your own wedding ring. There's also something known as life insurance for those of us who plan on dying some day.

I'm sure there's other things that are different about our cultures. I've taken one part of mine that was handed down by my parents, and another part that was influenced by my surroundings and meshed it with what my husband is used to. You'll still have your challenges, but you take what works and leave the rest to be buried with the ancestors.

What's love got to do with it?. . . .

I'm sure we've all heard the rhyme: Bobby and Julie* sitting in the tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in the baby carriage. (*names have been changed to protect the innocent)

Isn't this how we traditionally view courting and marriage relationships? First, we fall in love with our future spouse. We fall in love based on shared goals, similar interests, attraction, etc. Second, as this love grows between us, we decide that this is the person whom we want to spend the rest of our.lives with and we get married. Last, when both spouses agree, then we decide to go ahead and put a baby or two in that baby carriage. Sounds like a fairytale come true, but for others, that's not how the fairytale begins.

Imagine living your whole life knowing that your future spouse has been chosen for you, even though you yourself might be just a child ? Or how about at a more mature age your spouse is picked out for you today, and you're married tomorrow. In the western culture, this is probably frowned upon or seen as strange, or even as crazy. But that's our culture. The same isn't true in many countries around world and even in some families here in America. In these cultures, this Western ideal of courting and marriage just isn't so.

Some examples include traditional marriages in the Middle East, Japan, and India. They would probably sing the rhyme in these words: First comes marriage, then comes love, then comes the baby and the baby carriage. These marriages are often referred to as “arranged marriages”. What exactly is an arranged marriage? What does it consist of? Are they successful? Who arranges these "arranged marriages" anyway?

“An arranged marriage is a marriage in which neither the bride or the groom has any official say over the selection of their future spouses. However, in an arranged marriage, both parties give full consent to the marriage.(Stritof)”

Depending on the culture, there are different ways of going about it, different ceremonies, traditions, etc., but most share a common theme. The majority of these marriages are arranged by the families, particularly the parents. These parents often have blood, clan, or tribal affiliations with one another. A common theme in most of these marriages is that the parents seem to feel they know whats best for their children, not their soon to married child. Many times these marriages serve no other purpose than to secure the standing of one or both families in their society, or social order. Love and what we Westerners view as common bonds, shared hopes, and dreams often has little, if not nothing, to do with the "arrangement".

“ Although the specific practices surrounding arranged marriages differ from group to group, the institution of arranged marriage tends to function in similar ways across cultures. Like any time-tested tradition, the practice of arranging matrimony holds up in many societies because it stabilizes and connects families, preserves social and economic order and reinforces religious values (Pitts).”

Here's an example of how one culture go about their arranged marriages:

“In present-day Indian culture, marriages are arranged according to a complex, intricate system of rules and customs. Many factors are taken into consideration when contemplating a match between two people, including wealth, age, family reputation, diet, astrology, religion, caste, appearance, profession, family plans and education (Pitts)."

So, can this type of marriage be successful? Of course. There's always two sides to every story depending on where you stand and what your values are. Some people can grow to love one another over the course of time, and that's okay with them. That is the norm in their culture and generations before have made it work. While others wait to fall in love before they make that commitment and couldn't imagine it any other way. Which leaves me to this question: When two people are compatible, and both have the same goals in life, does it really matter when the feeling of love kicks in?

Stritof, Sheri & Bob. "Arrange Marriage." About.com: Marriage. 2008. About.com. 17 Nov 2008 . http://marriage.about.com/cs/legalities/g/arranged.htm

Pitts, Liz. "Arrange Marriages in Today's World." Life. 09 July 2007. LifeScript. 17 Nov 2008. http://www.lifescript.com/Life/Relationships/Marriage/Arranged_Marriages_In_Todays_World.aspx

Kiss Me, You Fool. . . .

My parents, being very old school and traditional, rarely showed any affection towards each other in public. I rarely saw them hugging or kissing and even at that, there were definitely never any Al and Tipper Gore moments. Why weren't they more affectionate towards each other? Culture, culture, culture! I know they loved each other. That kind of stuff was done behind closed doors, not for the world to see and especially “not in front of the children”. Although they didn't display it much, I know it had to go on somewhere, I mean, how else did my parents have seven kids, right?

Other than sex, I think that physical affection is a significant part of any relationship. Before my husband and I were married, it was a natural thing to be affectionate with each other. It went without saying. We held hands, he bought me flowers, we cuddled, kissed and expressed how much we loved each other. That was how we expressed our feelings without saying so much.

We're all faced with work, stress, children and the demands of life. For some, we can still sneak in a little kiss. For others, you're lucky if you could get a high five on the way out the door. It may not be ideal, but do you think that a relationship with limited affection can still be a healthy one? For us, it was important to have that constant affection.

"Affection is the expression of care. It symbolizes security, protection, comfort and approval -- vital ingredients in any relationship. When one spouse is affectionate toward the other, the following messages are sent:

1. You are important to me. I will care for you and protect you.

2. I'm concerned about the problems you face and will be there for you when you need me" (Marriage Builders).

It's such a big deal for me to give and receive affection in front of my children. Of course, there are appropriate ways and forms of affection, but they learn that there's love without being spoken. When they grow up, they won't have to wonder how the six of them came to be, right?



Works cited:

Marriage Builders. "Affection." 11 November 2008. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html

I'm Sorry . . . is it possible?

First of all, I would just like to thank my husband for being open and supportive of me while I do these posts. I wouldn't be able to get much of a male's perspective without his help.

As long as I've been married to my husband, one thing that would always get me mad, is the fact that he can never say “I'm Sorry”. Unless I'm upset or in tears telling him that I just want him to say sorry, he will be so oblivious to the whole situation. When he finally does apologize, I feel it's not the sincere, 'I'm sorry I hurt your feelings' I need to hear, instead it's, 'I'm sorry you feel that way'. (I'm getting worked up just thinking about it!)

I'm sure not all men are unapologetic. You might even find some women who have a hard time apologizing. But, I think I can speak for the female population and say that men have a hard time apologizing. Why is that?

"To apologize is to set aside our pride long enough to admit our imperfections, and for some, this feels far too vulnerable," says Beverly Engel, a psychotherapist in Los Osos, Calif., and author of The Power of Apology: Healing Steps to Transform All Your Relationships (Wiley, 2002).

So does saying “I'm Sorry” make our spouse vulnerable? Do they think that it'll make them less of a “man” if they apologize? This is what gets me. Hellooo!!?? I am your other half! You don't have to put up a front with me! I know you better!

So maybe he might be wrong and it hurt my feelings. I don't care about him being wrong. I care about how it made me feel. After an apology has been made, I can move on and be done with it. But, until I get an 'I'm Sorry', he won't be seeing the happy side of me. I'm sure I sound like a whiner, but hey, “I'm sorry!”

What's for dinner?. . . .

Why do we ladies expect our husbands, or other half to read our minds? Is it because they're great mind readers? I believe majority of men would say they're not. In fact, majority of the time, they have no idea what's going on in our heads.

Here's a scenario: It's Friday night and you and your husband have an evening alone together. Your husband's been at work and you've been at home with the kids all day and all you want to do is have a nice evening together. Your husband suggests going out to dinner. So he asks you, "Honey, would you like to go out to dinner tonight?" You say, "That sounds like a great idea!"

"Where would you like to go eat?"

"Umm, it doesn't matter. Anywhere you like." At this point, you're already thinking your husband should know what you like. After all, he knows how much you wanted a nice fat juicy steak all week, doesn't he?

Your husband replies, "How about we go for some sushi." "Nah, I don't like sushi."

What? Didn't you just send your husband the message that 'it didn't matter', you would go 'anywhere he'd like'? Plus, didn't you just ask for sushi yesterday?

At this point, he has a puzzled look on his face. He doesn't know what to think or say. All he wanted to do, was have a nice night together, and let you choose what you wanted to eat. We wanted men to "automagically" know what we want by reading our minds. If he really loved and knew us, he would know what we wanted without us having to tell him.

You want them to show their love for you by knowing what you're thinking. They want to show their love for you, by doing whatever YOU want to do.

I just think it's so silly when we do this, yet I, myself am guilty of it every time. But, I'm learning that my husband, along with others of his kind, are very simple beings. They love you and they'll do whatever it takes to make us happy. The key is, WE have to open our mouths and say what we mean.