So Long, Farewell

I can't believe this class has come to an end. I signed up for this class because I love writing (not to say that I'm good at it), but I never thought I would be spending the past eight weeks blogging and reading other blogs. Other than the academic part, this class has been very entertaining for me. You've got your people blogging on politics, relationships, culture, cars, environmental issues and even the less known superstitions. How cool is that to have all of that under one roof?

I'm glad I had the experience to share with others my thoughts on relationships, typically a marriage relationship. It's something that's so important and sacred to me, that I decided to blog on it. Will I keep it up? I'm not too sure. The idea creeps in and out of my mind. I would like to take it more on a personal level, that way I'm not pressured to get a good grade.

All in all, it's been a great eight weeks. Having been out of school for so long, I couldn't have picked a better class to start me off in the right direction. Thanks to you, Julie for being modern about today's writing style and especially for not sounding like those instructors with a monotone voice that puts you to sleep during an evening class.

So, I hope I've been able to share and help anyone who is seeking or trying to understand relationships and how they work. It sure has helped me a lot.

It's been real. It's been fun. It's been real fun.

Merry Christmas!

The Gift That Keeps Giving. . .

It's that wonderful time of the year again. While Hallmark and Kay Jewelers commercials may try and lead us to believe this is a season of receiving romantic gifts and creating peaceful memories, anyone involved in a real-life relationship knows this can be a season for anything but blissful moments.

According to PR Newswire Europe Ltd., “Christmas is up there with divorce, moving house and changing jobs as the sixth most stressful life event.” We have gifts to buy, parties to attend and of course, end of year goals to be met. Amidst the chaos, there are happy times or else no one would sign up for the seasonal celebrations year after year. There's also the potential for plenty of conflict and short fuses, and I don't mean the Christmas lights.

Believe it or not, a bit of chaos can actually be a good thing in a relationship. For some, the more chaos the merrier. Every relationship could stand a dose of conflict here and there. Like any adversity in life, trials in a marriage can serve to make the relationship and the individuals involved stronger. The trick is how we deal with the conflict and what we do to resolve it. Do we lash out at our partner and make sure we get the last word in every conversation? Do we hold back our feelings and not get them out in the open so they can be dealt with? There are good ways and bad ways of dealing with conflicts in a relationship. Here I would like to discuss just a few.

Until recently, when my husband and I would have a disagreement I would immediately get upset and simply turn the communication button off. I was the type to give my husband the silent treatment instead of sharing my feelings and dealing with the emotions involved. He'll be the first to tell you that from the moment I turn the communication button off, he can start his “silence timer”, which usually runs for about forty eight hours. I might be completely over whatever it was that upset me initially in a matter of hours, but I would still hold out and keep up the silent treatment until either he came and apologized, or I finally succumbed to the feeling inside that whatever I was upset about was just not worth the drama. Is this a healthy way of dealing with a conflict? I'll be the first to tell you , No! Not in the least.

Below is a list of healthier ways of dealing with conflict and differences in a relationship that I found on the University of Arkansas, Division of Agriculture site of all places, in an article entitled The Marriage Garden: Dealing with Conflict in Marriage. Each offers a different approach to dealing with these differences, but all share the common element of compassion and communication, the absence of which is sure to doom any relationship from the beginning:

Learn to live with things that cannot change. You may wish that your partner was different in many ways. … Be glad that your partner can bring qualities that you do not have.

Start a relationship discussion at a time when you want to strengthen your relationship. If you are feeling angry or tired … it is not a good time to start a discussion. … save the discussion until later.

Do not dwell on your complaints. … Rather than make big complaints, we can make requests along the way.

Make requests. There are some statements that do NOT motivate change: "You never help me. You don't seem to notice anyone's needs but your own." There are more inviting statements: "I'm very stressed right now. I wonder if you could help me by getting dinner, helping me cleanup the house, or helping the children with homework."

Rather than argue about details, find common ground. In any disagreement it is easy to get stuck arguing about who did what and why. Don't waste your time dealing with such issues. Instead, focus on ways you can help each other.

While this list is in no way all inclusive, it offers a few proven keys to ensuring effective communication and expression of one's feelings are both accounted for in resolving conflict between spouses.

Another principle that I have learned is effective in resolving conflict with my husband is to express my feelings when I feel them. If I choose not to vent and share my feelings at the time I feel them, these negative feelings often begin to fester inside. If I allow them to fester, I feel like I rot inside, impacting my mood and potentially my relationship with my husband. Or I may get to the point where I explode over small things that would be insignificant (and should have stayed that way!) had I just dealt with my feelings and emotions in a healthier manner from the beginning. It is so much easier and so much better for both my husband and I for me to simply express myself and get the feelings out in the open so we can deal with them together when they arise.

I must say, with all that I have learned over the years that I'm finally getting a little better about how long I keep my communication button in the “on” position. As I let off some steam as it builds, I feel better about myself, while keeping open the lines of communication that are vital to a healthy, vibrant marriage. As long as I'm doing it in a healthy and respectful manner, listening to my husband as much as speaking, I leave my communication button on and we find solutions to the matter instead of allowing the conflict to damage our partnership in the home.

Some couples seem so in tune with each other that they seldom ever fight. They agree on everything or are able to quickly agree to disagree and simply move on. These couples are definitely the exception and not the rule. The majority of couples have some degree of conflict to contend with in their marital lives. It all comes down to how we approach conflict and our attitudes towards one another. If love and happiness abound in the relationship then conflicts are more easily avoided, and if they do arise, are that much easier to resolve.

So if you're in the majority (like us) and a fight or disagreement breaks out this holiday season, consider it a blessing and a chance to strengthen your relationship and grow closer to each other. It's how you deal with this “chance” that counts in the end.

Happy Holidays and Happy Relationships!

Works Cited:

"New Survey Reveals Christmas is the Sixth Most Stressful Life Event." 03 Dec 2008. PR Newswire Europe Ltd.. 10 Dec 2008 .

"Dealing with Conflict in Marriage." Family Life The Marriage Garden. 11 Jul 2008. University of Arkansas Division of Agriculture. 09 Dec 2008 .

Back to the Future. . .

In my last post, I went into talking about how having children can affect a relationship. I would like to elaborate on that topic a little bit more.

Early in our marriage, when it was just my husband and I, we were able to just pick up and go without the cares and considerations that would soon be greeting us. It was easy for us to hop in the car and do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted. A year and a half later, things changed. Suddenly we had one more mouth to feed and body to clothe, which meant new financial pressures and additional strains on personal “us” time. We had added responsibility to our marriage and life. And a big one at that.

With each addition to our family, the financial pressure and strains on personal time grew. As the pressure and strain increased on the one hand, so did the joy and excitement of our growing family. With each new child came a newness of life and an excitement at watching this tiny person grow and learn, and begin to experience the world around them. To share this together was special and I hold it as one of my life's sweetest experiences, though this is not to say for a moment that it was easy.

An article I found on the website captures the essence of many of these new found changes when the author stated the following:

"There is no doubt that you’ll love your little boy or girl, but there is also no doubt about whether your marriage relationship will change or not. Motherly instincts catch the father off- guard and fatherly instincts catch the mother off-guard. Your available time changes too, in the face of responsibilities. A short visit to hang out with the guys becomes a distant memory for the father – and time for sex, let alone a quiet conversation, becomes hard to find. Mothers may find it hard to meet up with friends for some time together or struggle to juggle household responsibilities.

The marriage can either strengthen or fall apart when these changes come, but the main thing is that both parents need is to stay on the same page when it comes to your priorities and goals (www.professorshouse.com)."

I believe that the degree to which one allows children and the attendant changes to the marriage relationship to positively or negatively impact their life depends heavily on the strength of the love, commitment, and communication that exists between the spouses. The greatest joys in life can be realized within the bonds of a growing young family, as can the the greatest trials and hardships if we allow. Much of this is determined by the closeness of the couple, shared individual and personal goals, and a true sense of partnership or teamwork when approaching family matters.

During my six years in Hawaii my husband and I ended up having four additional children. Due to the fact that I was pregnant or nursing a baby for the majority of those years I found myself never having time to do the fun things I enjoy doing with my husband, such as hiking, running and outdoor activities. The primary limiting factor throughout this period was simply time. Time for the children, time for each other, and just as important, time for myself. As I found the days growing more and more hectic, I realized that quality time for my husband and I was very limited, and when the occasion did arise for us to get away for a few hours I wanted to make sure to use it wisely. “Wisely” at the time more often than not meant dinner and just spending time together, usually in the evenings when running and other outdoor activities were virtually impossible. This time spent together became priceless and we wanted to maximize our opportunity to just sit down and talk and share, neither of which is easy while running, sweating and just trying to catch my breath!

We are fortunate enough this week to celebrate our twelve year anniversary in Hawaii without the children. I'm able to spend time doing the things I love with my husband that I never got to do because of time. It has given me the opportunity to reflect on the years we spent here and my experiences in life. I'm able to do the things that I enjoy without worrying about time, children, and all the other “mommy” responsibilities I normally have. I can once again focus on being my husband's wife, even if only for a short time.

This being said, the challenges of raising my growing young family are always there but serve to make life itself that much more meaningful for my husband and I. Though our days seem shorter and time together more and more sparse, the kids provide a constant flow of energy and excitement in our home that I have learned to thrive off of and it has fortunately served to strengthen our marriages bonds and commitment. Our children gave us plenty of opportunities to stretch and grow mentally, emotionally and spiritually over the years that have past. And these lessons in life only serve to better enable us to be better parents, better spouses, and better friends in the now and in the future.





How Do Children Change a Marriage." Professor's House. 2007. Professor's House. 2 Dec 2008 .

The Third Wheel

Does having children change a husband and wife's relationship? What's the impact of that change? Does it make them closer or cause them to drift apart? The addition of a third wheel in our home definitely brought with it new challenges and learning opportunities. It shaped our relationship for years to come.

A little over six months after being married, my husband and I found out we were expecting our first child. What an exciting time it was for us. It was the excitement of the unknown. Not knowing what to expect because parenthood was something new for the both of us. Did becoming parents affect our marriage in any way? How does one cope with the new addition to the family, while preserving the marriage relationship? In an excerpt from her book, “The Complete Idiot's Guide to Motherhood”, author Deborah Levine Herman stated:

“It is so important not to take your relationship for granted. Couples drift apart for what can seem like the most trivial of reasons, and the stress of a new baby in the house is hardly a trivial pressure. Even without a baby, you know that a good relationship needs constant nourishment and care, so don't let these new pressures make you forget to take that care. Keep those lines of communication open, keep expressing your feelings and lavishing love on one another as much as possible (Herman).”

After giving birth to our eldest daughter, I felt that her needs were much more important than anyone else's. That included my husband's needs. As a new mom, and with each subsequent birth, this pattern pretty much continued. I realize now that I unconsciously allowed myself to become just “mommy” and neglected being “babe” or “sweetie” to my husband. With this realization, I see the impact this had on my relationship with my husband over the years. If only I knew then what I know now.

As a couple, we've learned that our needs come first. We must take care of and tend to each other's needs and desires in order for our relationship to grow and flourish. Does this mean that we have to neglect our children to maintain our relationship? No. Like all things in life, balance is essential.

You might wonder (as some of you have) how my husband and I find time for each other. With six kids, work, a lack of sleep and all the demands of life going on, the key is not finding time but making time. I'll be the first to tell you there's not enough hours in a day, but the amount of time is less important than what you do with your time. It's all about quality over quantity.

Show me the money!. . .

As a first generation American raised by Samoan parents, but influenced by the “American” way, it can catch up to you later in the years. Let me elaborate a little bit.

I'm the third oldest in my family, with five brothers and one younger sister. The only three buildings we knew growing up were: church, school, and home. We weren't allowed the many privileges that the young American teens we grew up around had. These include simple things such as being able to attend school dances, have boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, wear makeup, etc. I couldn't even go to an occasional church dance! And you can imagine how wild those must have been. And Prom, forget about it. There might be boys there!

Fast forward to twenty years of age. I actually get to go to my first 'church' dance. I mean I was twenty years old by then! The funniest thing is that my parents were right about those dances all along. Guess who I met at my first dance? My husband. Hah! I am smiling just thinking about it. Here I am, twenty years old, at my first church dance alone, and I meet this guy who will ultimately become my husband and the father of my children. Sure I had had boyfriends before by then, but I knew none of them were right for me and would never work out. Especially in the eyes of my dad and family. And you know, that's what mattered the most at that point.

Now, my husband grew up outside the four walls of his home. Waaaay outside. He's been there, done that. Did these 'cultural' differences have an effect on our marriage? Sure, and in some ways more than others.

For example: In my home, family is family. Whether, you're immediate, or distant. If we came from the same bloodline, then we're family. When there's a family matter going on that involves money (mainly weddings or funerals) everyone in the 'family' is supposed to help out. The purpose of this is to lessen the financial burden on the individual family member and “share the love” so to speak. Normally, each family is asked to contribute anything ranging from $300 - $1000 depending on the relative and their relationship to the immediate family member. This is something I'm accustomed to. I don't fully agree, but it's a part of my culture and its what I know.

My husband on the other hand, is used to a different way of showing support and love in times of need or loss. He instead often lends his hand by helping out in the kitchen, around the family's house, or giving maybe as much as $100-200 (and that's if he really likes you). In his culture (which I also know), the majority believes in saving up for your own wedding, or buying your own wedding ring. There's also something known as life insurance for those of us who plan on dying some day.

I'm sure there's other things that are different about our cultures. I've taken one part of mine that was handed down by my parents, and another part that was influenced by my surroundings and meshed it with what my husband is used to. You'll still have your challenges, but you take what works and leave the rest to be buried with the ancestors.

What's love got to do with it?. . . .

I'm sure we've all heard the rhyme: Bobby and Julie* sitting in the tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in the baby carriage. (*names have been changed to protect the innocent)

Isn't this how we traditionally view courting and marriage relationships? First, we fall in love with our future spouse. We fall in love based on shared goals, similar interests, attraction, etc. Second, as this love grows between us, we decide that this is the person whom we want to spend the rest of our.lives with and we get married. Last, when both spouses agree, then we decide to go ahead and put a baby or two in that baby carriage. Sounds like a fairytale come true, but for others, that's not how the fairytale begins.

Imagine living your whole life knowing that your future spouse has been chosen for you, even though you yourself might be just a child ? Or how about at a more mature age your spouse is picked out for you today, and you're married tomorrow. In the western culture, this is probably frowned upon or seen as strange, or even as crazy. But that's our culture. The same isn't true in many countries around world and even in some families here in America. In these cultures, this Western ideal of courting and marriage just isn't so.

Some examples include traditional marriages in the Middle East, Japan, and India. They would probably sing the rhyme in these words: First comes marriage, then comes love, then comes the baby and the baby carriage. These marriages are often referred to as “arranged marriages”. What exactly is an arranged marriage? What does it consist of? Are they successful? Who arranges these "arranged marriages" anyway?

“An arranged marriage is a marriage in which neither the bride or the groom has any official say over the selection of their future spouses. However, in an arranged marriage, both parties give full consent to the marriage.(Stritof)”

Depending on the culture, there are different ways of going about it, different ceremonies, traditions, etc., but most share a common theme. The majority of these marriages are arranged by the families, particularly the parents. These parents often have blood, clan, or tribal affiliations with one another. A common theme in most of these marriages is that the parents seem to feel they know whats best for their children, not their soon to married child. Many times these marriages serve no other purpose than to secure the standing of one or both families in their society, or social order. Love and what we Westerners view as common bonds, shared hopes, and dreams often has little, if not nothing, to do with the "arrangement".

“ Although the specific practices surrounding arranged marriages differ from group to group, the institution of arranged marriage tends to function in similar ways across cultures. Like any time-tested tradition, the practice of arranging matrimony holds up in many societies because it stabilizes and connects families, preserves social and economic order and reinforces religious values (Pitts).”

Here's an example of how one culture go about their arranged marriages:

“In present-day Indian culture, marriages are arranged according to a complex, intricate system of rules and customs. Many factors are taken into consideration when contemplating a match between two people, including wealth, age, family reputation, diet, astrology, religion, caste, appearance, profession, family plans and education (Pitts)."

So, can this type of marriage be successful? Of course. There's always two sides to every story depending on where you stand and what your values are. Some people can grow to love one another over the course of time, and that's okay with them. That is the norm in their culture and generations before have made it work. While others wait to fall in love before they make that commitment and couldn't imagine it any other way. Which leaves me to this question: When two people are compatible, and both have the same goals in life, does it really matter when the feeling of love kicks in?

Stritof, Sheri & Bob. "Arrange Marriage." About.com: Marriage. 2008. About.com. 17 Nov 2008 . http://marriage.about.com/cs/legalities/g/arranged.htm

Pitts, Liz. "Arrange Marriages in Today's World." Life. 09 July 2007. LifeScript. 17 Nov 2008. http://www.lifescript.com/Life/Relationships/Marriage/Arranged_Marriages_In_Todays_World.aspx

Kiss Me, You Fool. . . .

My parents, being very old school and traditional, rarely showed any affection towards each other in public. I rarely saw them hugging or kissing and even at that, there were definitely never any Al and Tipper Gore moments. Why weren't they more affectionate towards each other? Culture, culture, culture! I know they loved each other. That kind of stuff was done behind closed doors, not for the world to see and especially “not in front of the children”. Although they didn't display it much, I know it had to go on somewhere, I mean, how else did my parents have seven kids, right?

Other than sex, I think that physical affection is a significant part of any relationship. Before my husband and I were married, it was a natural thing to be affectionate with each other. It went without saying. We held hands, he bought me flowers, we cuddled, kissed and expressed how much we loved each other. That was how we expressed our feelings without saying so much.

We're all faced with work, stress, children and the demands of life. For some, we can still sneak in a little kiss. For others, you're lucky if you could get a high five on the way out the door. It may not be ideal, but do you think that a relationship with limited affection can still be a healthy one? For us, it was important to have that constant affection.

"Affection is the expression of care. It symbolizes security, protection, comfort and approval -- vital ingredients in any relationship. When one spouse is affectionate toward the other, the following messages are sent:

1. You are important to me. I will care for you and protect you.

2. I'm concerned about the problems you face and will be there for you when you need me" (Marriage Builders).

It's such a big deal for me to give and receive affection in front of my children. Of course, there are appropriate ways and forms of affection, but they learn that there's love without being spoken. When they grow up, they won't have to wonder how the six of them came to be, right?



Works cited:

Marriage Builders. "Affection." 11 November 2008. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html