It's that wonderful time of the year again. While Hallmark and Kay Jewelers commercials may try and lead us to believe this is a season of receiving romantic gifts and creating peaceful memories, anyone involved in a real-life relationship knows this can be a season for anything but blissful moments.
According to PR Newswire Europe Ltd., “Christmas is up there with divorce, moving house and changing jobs as the sixth most stressful life event.” We have gifts to buy, parties to attend and of course, end of year goals to be met. Amidst the chaos, there are happy times or else no one would sign up for the seasonal celebrations year after year. There's also the potential for plenty of conflict and short fuses, and I don't mean the Christmas lights.
Believe it or not, a bit of chaos can actually be a good thing in a relationship. For some, the more chaos the merrier. Every relationship could stand a dose of conflict here and there. Like any adversity in life, trials in a marriage can serve to make the relationship and the individuals involved stronger. The trick is how we deal with the conflict and what we do to resolve it. Do we lash out at our partner and make sure we get the last word in every conversation? Do we hold back our feelings and not get them out in the open so they can be dealt with? There are good ways and bad ways of dealing with conflicts in a relationship. Here I would like to discuss just a few.
Until recently, when my husband and I would have a disagreement I would immediately get upset and simply turn the communication button off. I was the type to give my husband the silent treatment instead of sharing my feelings and dealing with the emotions involved. He'll be the first to tell you that from the moment I turn the communication button off, he can start his “silence timer”, which usually runs for about forty eight hours. I might be completely over whatever it was that upset me initially in a matter of hours, but I would still hold out and keep up the silent treatment until either he came and apologized, or I finally succumbed to the feeling inside that whatever I was upset about was just not worth the drama. Is this a healthy way of dealing with a conflict? I'll be the first to tell you , No! Not in the least.
Below is a list of healthier ways of dealing with conflict and differences in a relationship that I found on the University of Arkansas, Division of Agriculture site of all places, in an article entitled The Marriage Garden: Dealing with Conflict in Marriage. Each offers a different approach to dealing with these differences, but all share the common element of compassion and communication, the absence of which is sure to doom any relationship from the beginning:
Learn to live with things that cannot change. You may wish that your partner was different in many ways. … Be glad that your partner can bring qualities that you do not have.
Start a relationship discussion at a time when you want to strengthen your relationship. If you are feeling angry or tired … it is not a good time to start a discussion. … save the discussion until later.
Do not dwell on your complaints. … Rather than make big complaints, we can make requests along the way.
Make requests. There are some statements that do NOT motivate change: "You never help me. You don't seem to notice anyone's needs but your own." There are more inviting statements: "I'm very stressed right now. I wonder if you could help me by getting dinner, helping me cleanup the house, or helping the children with homework."
Rather than argue about details, find common ground. In any disagreement it is easy to get stuck arguing about who did what and why. Don't waste your time dealing with such issues. Instead, focus on ways you can help each other.
While this list is in no way all inclusive, it offers a few proven keys to ensuring effective communication and expression of one's feelings are both accounted for in resolving conflict between spouses.
Another principle that I have learned is effective in resolving conflict with my husband is to express my feelings when I feel them. If I choose not to vent and share my feelings at the time I feel them, these negative feelings often begin to fester inside. If I allow them to fester, I feel like I rot inside, impacting my mood and potentially my relationship with my husband. Or I may get to the point where I explode over small things that would be insignificant (and should have stayed that way!) had I just dealt with my feelings and emotions in a healthier manner from the beginning. It is so much easier and so much better for both my husband and I for me to simply express myself and get the feelings out in the open so we can deal with them together when they arise.
I must say, with all that I have learned over the years that I'm finally getting a little better about how long I keep my communication button in the “on” position. As I let off some steam as it builds, I feel better about myself, while keeping open the lines of communication that are vital to a healthy, vibrant marriage. As long as I'm doing it in a healthy and respectful manner, listening to my husband as much as speaking, I leave my communication button on and we find solutions to the matter instead of allowing the conflict to damage our partnership in the home.
Some couples seem so in tune with each other that they seldom ever fight. They agree on everything or are able to quickly agree to disagree and simply move on. These couples are definitely the exception and not the rule. The majority of couples have some degree of conflict to contend with in their marital lives. It all comes down to how we approach conflict and our attitudes towards one another. If love and happiness abound in the relationship then conflicts are more easily avoided, and if they do arise, are that much easier to resolve.
So if you're in the majority (like us) and a fight or disagreement breaks out this holiday season, consider it a blessing and a chance to strengthen your relationship and grow closer to each other. It's how you deal with this “chance” that counts in the end.
Happy Holidays and Happy Relationships!
Works Cited:
"New Survey Reveals Christmas is the Sixth Most Stressful Life Event." 03 Dec 2008. PR Newswire Europe Ltd.. 10 Dec 2008
1 comment:
Great post, although I agree with you that a college agriculture department is a *strange* place to find marriage advice!
Your reactions with the "communication button" remind me of an incident I had with my husband this weekend--we were on our way to some computer store I had only been to once. And while his mother was in the car with us (!), he got upset that I didn't remember how to get to the store. Granted, it was in another state (Maryland) that I don't visit often, in a town (Rockville) that I've only been two 5-6 times in my life. So I flipped my lid, called him profane names in front of a parkinglot full of people (and his mother), and basically couldn't let it roll off, even when he apologized, for at least an hour.
Did my tantrum make me feel any better? No. But I wonder, who then teaches us how to handle unwarranted criticism from our loved ones with enough patience and grace that we don't get mad in the first place?
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