Early in our marriage, when it was just my husband and I, we were able to just pick up and go without the cares and considerations that would soon be greeting us. It was easy for us to hop in the car and do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted. A year and a half later, things changed. Suddenly we had one more mouth to feed and body to clothe, which meant new financial pressures and additional strains on personal “us” time. We had added responsibility to our marriage and life. And a big one at that.
With each addition to our family, the financial pressure and strains on personal time grew. As the pressure and strain increased on the one hand, so did the joy and excitement of our growing family. With each new child came a newness of life and an excitement at watching this tiny person grow and learn, and begin to experience the world around them. To share this together was special and I hold it as one of my life's sweetest experiences, though this is not to say for a moment that it was easy.
An article I found on the website captures the essence of many of these new found changes when the author stated the following:
"There is no doubt that you’ll love your little boy or girl, but there is also no doubt about whether your marriage relationship will change or not. Motherly instincts catch the father off- guard and fatherly instincts catch the mother off-guard. Your available time changes too, in the face of responsibilities. A short visit to hang out with the guys becomes a distant memory for the father – and time for sex, let alone a quiet conversation, becomes hard to find. Mothers may find it hard to meet up with friends for some time together or struggle to juggle household responsibilities.
The marriage can either strengthen or fall apart when these changes come, but the main thing is that both parents need is to stay on the same page when it comes to your priorities and goals (www.professorshouse.com)."
I believe that the degree to which one allows children and the attendant changes to the marriage relationship to positively or negatively impact their life depends heavily on the strength of the love, commitment, and communication that exists between the spouses. The greatest joys in life can be realized within the bonds of a growing young family, as can the the greatest trials and hardships if we allow. Much of this is determined by the closeness of the couple, shared individual and personal goals, and a true sense of partnership or teamwork when approaching family matters.
During my six years in Hawaii my husband and I ended up having four additional children. Due to the fact that I was pregnant or nursing a baby for the majority of those years I found myself never having time to do the fun things I enjoy doing with my husband, such as hiking, running and outdoor activities. The primary limiting factor throughout this period was simply time. Time for the children, time for each other, and just as important, time for myself. As I found the days growing more and more hectic, I realized that quality time for my husband and I was very limited, and when the occasion did arise for us to get away for a few hours I wanted to make sure to use it wisely. “Wisely” at the time more often than not meant dinner and just spending time together, usually in the evenings when running and other outdoor activities were virtually impossible. This time spent together became priceless and we wanted to maximize our opportunity to just sit down and talk and share, neither of which is easy while running, sweating and just trying to catch my breath!
We are fortunate enough this week to celebrate our twelve year anniversary in Hawaii without the children. I'm able to spend time doing the things I love with my husband that I never got to do because of time. It has given me the opportunity to reflect on the years we spent here and my experiences in life. I'm able to do the things that I enjoy without worrying about time, children, and all the other “mommy” responsibilities I normally have. I can once again focus on being my husband's wife, even if only for a short time.
This being said, the challenges of raising my growing young family are always there but serve to make life itself that much more meaningful for my husband and I. Though our days seem shorter and time together more and more sparse, the kids provide a constant flow of energy and excitement in our home that I have learned to thrive off of and it has fortunately served to strengthen our marriages bonds and commitment. Our children gave us plenty of opportunities to stretch and grow mentally, emotionally and spiritually over the years that have past. And these lessons in life only serve to better enable us to be better parents, better spouses, and better friends in the now and in the future.
How Do Children Change a Marriage." Professor's House. 2007. Professor's House. 2 Dec 2008
3 comments:
Wow--this is a masterful post. Your writing is really clear and well thought out here. I'm impressed. I've often wondered about how my life would change with children. My husband and I have been married almost 3 years...and we're still on the fence. You make it seem like life would change, but not in a scary way (thanks!).
Just one note: when you mention the article you found, why not state the author name or title of the article right in the text section of the post?
This is a great post. It's happy to know that your spending alone time with your husband as well!
My parents seem to base their whole lives around us. This is a good thing but unhealthy for a relationship as well because it is important for spouses to spend time alone to bond.
I hope Hawaii was great!
Julie,
I guess it pays to go away where you can think and not have the kids jumping around you :)
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