I'm sure we've all heard the rhyme: Bobby and Julie* sitting in the tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in the baby carriage. (*names have been changed to protect the innocent)
Isn't this how we traditionally view courting and marriage relationships? First, we fall in love with our future spouse. We fall in love based on shared goals, similar interests, attraction, etc. Second, as this love grows between us, we decide that this is the person whom we want to spend the rest of our.lives with and we get married. Last, when both spouses agree, then we decide to go ahead and put a baby or two in that baby carriage. Sounds like a fairytale come true, but for others, that's not how the fairytale begins.
Imagine living your whole life knowing that your future spouse has been chosen for you, even though you yourself might be just a child ? Or how about at a more mature age your spouse is picked out for you today, and you're married tomorrow. In the western culture, this is probably frowned upon or seen as strange, or even as crazy. But that's our culture. The same isn't true in many countries around world and even in some families here in America. In these cultures, this Western ideal of courting and marriage just isn't so.
Some examples include traditional marriages in the Middle East, Japan, and India. They would probably sing the rhyme in these words: First comes marriage, then comes love, then comes the baby and the baby carriage. These marriages are often referred to as “arranged marriages”. What exactly is an arranged marriage? What does it consist of? Are they successful? Who arranges these "arranged marriages" anyway?
“An arranged marriage is a marriage in which neither the bride or the groom has any official say over the selection of their future spouses. However, in an arranged marriage, both parties give full consent to the marriage.(Stritof)”
Depending on the culture, there are different ways of going about it, different ceremonies, traditions, etc., but most share a common theme. The majority of these marriages are arranged by the families, particularly the parents. These parents often have blood, clan, or tribal affiliations with one another. A common theme in most of these marriages is that the parents seem to feel they know whats best for their children, not their soon to married child. Many times these marriages serve no other purpose than to secure the standing of one or both families in their society, or social order. Love and what we Westerners view as common bonds, shared hopes, and dreams often has little, if not nothing, to do with the "arrangement".
“ Although the specific practices surrounding arranged marriages differ from group to group, the institution of arranged marriage tends to function in similar ways across cultures. Like any time-tested tradition, the practice of arranging matrimony holds up in many societies because it stabilizes and connects families, preserves social and economic order and reinforces religious values (Pitts).”
Here's an example of how one culture go about their arranged marriages:
“In present-day Indian culture, marriages are arranged according to a complex, intricate system of rules and customs. Many factors are taken into consideration when contemplating a match between two people, including wealth, age, family reputation, diet, astrology, religion, caste, appearance, profession, family plans and education (Pitts)."
So, can this type of marriage be successful? Of course. There's always two sides to every story depending on where you stand and what your values are. Some people can grow to love one another over the course of time, and that's okay with them. That is the norm in their culture and generations before have made it work. While others wait to fall in love before they make that commitment and couldn't imagine it any other way. Which leaves me to this question: When two people are compatible, and both have the same goals in life, does it really matter when the feeling of love kicks in?
6 comments:
Very informative post. I have an example of this too. One of the Marines I work with is India (from India not tribal). To his co workers, it doesn't appear that he is lonely or unhappy about not being married. As a strong believer in his faith (Hindu), he is also not allowed to partake in recerational intercours or self pleasure,drugs, alcohol, eat meat, etc. It sucks because he is a 28 year virgin and his parents live back in India! Ouch!
Your post is very interesting. Many people of my culture get arranged marriages as well. I could never see myself having an arranged marriage but many people in Pakistan do. People that usually abide by this in our culture are "old school" meaning they aren't as modern as we are today. But, having an arranged marriage is completely the persons choice depending on the culture and the religion.
My best friend is Hindu and she had an astrologer pick out the day she was going to get married. He said if she doesn't get married on this day her marriage is most likely going to be a disaster!
It's interesting how cultures can be so different. Anyways, keep up the good work! Can't wait to read more!
Again, another good post. You have done nice research here. Did you know that I have had students in previous classes who have been in arranged marriages? I think you could poll your classmates and find out that many *know* others, maybe even parents, who have been through this. It would make for a good supplemental post.
Keep watching floating punctuation...
My parents had an arranged marriage via the church and actually spoke two completely different languages when they were married (Korean and English). Their faith in the church is what brought them together, but sometimes I feel that if it weren't for that, they might not be together today. It's really hard to say, but as you said, does the context of love really make a difference? Great post -- I'd be interested in seeing some statistics juxtaposing different types of marriages and their success rates, etc.
Keep up the good work.
Wow - awesome post with good detail. I envy your ability to post with fewer words and still get the point out there. I am glad that I don't have to deal with prearranged marriages. Although that may have saved me from my divorce? I'd be curious to see how many of the prearranged marriages endure or do they at some point give up, much like the others in today's American society. Keep up the good work.
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