I can't believe this class has come to an end. I signed up for this class because I love writing (not to say that I'm good at it), but I never thought I would be spending the past eight weeks blogging and reading other blogs. Other than the academic part, this class has been very entertaining for me. You've got your people blogging on politics, relationships, culture, cars, environmental issues and even the less known superstitions. How cool is that to have all of that under one roof?
I'm glad I had the experience to share with others my thoughts on relationships, typically a marriage relationship. It's something that's so important and sacred to me, that I decided to blog on it. Will I keep it up? I'm not too sure. The idea creeps in and out of my mind. I would like to take it more on a personal level, that way I'm not pressured to get a good grade.
All in all, it's been a great eight weeks. Having been out of school for so long, I couldn't have picked a better class to start me off in the right direction. Thanks to you, Julie for being modern about today's writing style and especially for not sounding like those instructors with a monotone voice that puts you to sleep during an evening class.
So, I hope I've been able to share and help anyone who is seeking or trying to understand relationships and how they work. It sure has helped me a lot.
It's been real. It's been fun. It's been real fun.
Merry Christmas!
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
The Gift That Keeps Giving. . .
It's that wonderful time of the year again. While Hallmark and Kay Jewelers commercials may try and lead us to believe this is a season of receiving romantic gifts and creating peaceful memories, anyone involved in a real-life relationship knows this can be a season for anything but blissful moments.
According to PR Newswire Europe Ltd., “Christmas is up there with divorce, moving house and changing jobs as the sixth most stressful life event.” We have gifts to buy, parties to attend and of course, end of year goals to be met. Amidst the chaos, there are happy times or else no one would sign up for the seasonal celebrations year after year. There's also the potential for plenty of conflict and short fuses, and I don't mean the Christmas lights.
Believe it or not, a bit of chaos can actually be a good thing in a relationship. For some, the more chaos the merrier. Every relationship could stand a dose of conflict here and there. Like any adversity in life, trials in a marriage can serve to make the relationship and the individuals involved stronger. The trick is how we deal with the conflict and what we do to resolve it. Do we lash out at our partner and make sure we get the last word in every conversation? Do we hold back our feelings and not get them out in the open so they can be dealt with? There are good ways and bad ways of dealing with conflicts in a relationship. Here I would like to discuss just a few.
Until recently, when my husband and I would have a disagreement I would immediately get upset and simply turn the communication button off. I was the type to give my husband the silent treatment instead of sharing my feelings and dealing with the emotions involved. He'll be the first to tell you that from the moment I turn the communication button off, he can start his “silence timer”, which usually runs for about forty eight hours. I might be completely over whatever it was that upset me initially in a matter of hours, but I would still hold out and keep up the silent treatment until either he came and apologized, or I finally succumbed to the feeling inside that whatever I was upset about was just not worth the drama. Is this a healthy way of dealing with a conflict? I'll be the first to tell you , No! Not in the least.
Below is a list of healthier ways of dealing with conflict and differences in a relationship that I found on the University of Arkansas, Division of Agriculture site of all places, in an article entitled The Marriage Garden: Dealing with Conflict in Marriage. Each offers a different approach to dealing with these differences, but all share the common element of compassion and communication, the absence of which is sure to doom any relationship from the beginning:
Learn to live with things that cannot change. You may wish that your partner was different in many ways. … Be glad that your partner can bring qualities that you do not have.
Start a relationship discussion at a time when you want to strengthen your relationship. If you are feeling angry or tired … it is not a good time to start a discussion. … save the discussion until later.
Do not dwell on your complaints. … Rather than make big complaints, we can make requests along the way.
Make requests. There are some statements that do NOT motivate change: "You never help me. You don't seem to notice anyone's needs but your own." There are more inviting statements: "I'm very stressed right now. I wonder if you could help me by getting dinner, helping me cleanup the house, or helping the children with homework."
Rather than argue about details, find common ground. In any disagreement it is easy to get stuck arguing about who did what and why. Don't waste your time dealing with such issues. Instead, focus on ways you can help each other.
While this list is in no way all inclusive, it offers a few proven keys to ensuring effective communication and expression of one's feelings are both accounted for in resolving conflict between spouses.
Another principle that I have learned is effective in resolving conflict with my husband is to express my feelings when I feel them. If I choose not to vent and share my feelings at the time I feel them, these negative feelings often begin to fester inside. If I allow them to fester, I feel like I rot inside, impacting my mood and potentially my relationship with my husband. Or I may get to the point where I explode over small things that would be insignificant (and should have stayed that way!) had I just dealt with my feelings and emotions in a healthier manner from the beginning. It is so much easier and so much better for both my husband and I for me to simply express myself and get the feelings out in the open so we can deal with them together when they arise.
I must say, with all that I have learned over the years that I'm finally getting a little better about how long I keep my communication button in the “on” position. As I let off some steam as it builds, I feel better about myself, while keeping open the lines of communication that are vital to a healthy, vibrant marriage. As long as I'm doing it in a healthy and respectful manner, listening to my husband as much as speaking, I leave my communication button on and we find solutions to the matter instead of allowing the conflict to damage our partnership in the home.
Some couples seem so in tune with each other that they seldom ever fight. They agree on everything or are able to quickly agree to disagree and simply move on. These couples are definitely the exception and not the rule. The majority of couples have some degree of conflict to contend with in their marital lives. It all comes down to how we approach conflict and our attitudes towards one another. If love and happiness abound in the relationship then conflicts are more easily avoided, and if they do arise, are that much easier to resolve.
So if you're in the majority (like us) and a fight or disagreement breaks out this holiday season, consider it a blessing and a chance to strengthen your relationship and grow closer to each other. It's how you deal with this “chance” that counts in the end.
Happy Holidays and Happy Relationships!
Works Cited:
"New Survey Reveals Christmas is the Sixth Most Stressful Life Event." 03 Dec 2008. PR Newswire Europe Ltd.. 10 Dec 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Back to the Future. . .
In my last post, I went into talking about how having children can affect a relationship. I would like to elaborate on that topic a little bit more.
Early in our marriage, when it was just my husband and I, we were able to just pick up and go without the cares and considerations that would soon be greeting us. It was easy for us to hop in the car and do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted. A year and a half later, things changed. Suddenly we had one more mouth to feed and body to clothe, which meant new financial pressures and additional strains on personal “us” time. We had added responsibility to our marriage and life. And a big one at that.
With each addition to our family, the financial pressure and strains on personal time grew. As the pressure and strain increased on the one hand, so did the joy and excitement of our growing family. With each new child came a newness of life and an excitement at watching this tiny person grow and learn, and begin to experience the world around them. To share this together was special and I hold it as one of my life's sweetest experiences, though this is not to say for a moment that it was easy.
An article I found on the website captures the essence of many of these new found changes when the author stated the following:
I believe that the degree to which one allows children and the attendant changes to the marriage relationship to positively or negatively impact their life depends heavily on the strength of the love, commitment, and communication that exists between the spouses. The greatest joys in life can be realized within the bonds of a growing young family, as can the the greatest trials and hardships if we allow. Much of this is determined by the closeness of the couple, shared individual and personal goals, and a true sense of partnership or teamwork when approaching family matters.
During my six years in Hawaii my husband and I ended up having four additional children. Due to the fact that I was pregnant or nursing a baby for the majority of those years I found myself never having time to do the fun things I enjoy doing with my husband, such as hiking, running and outdoor activities. The primary limiting factor throughout this period was simply time. Time for the children, time for each other, and just as important, time for myself. As I found the days growing more and more hectic, I realized that quality time for my husband and I was very limited, and when the occasion did arise for us to get away for a few hours I wanted to make sure to use it wisely. “Wisely” at the time more often than not meant dinner and just spending time together, usually in the evenings when running and other outdoor activities were virtually impossible. This time spent together became priceless and we wanted to maximize our opportunity to just sit down and talk and share, neither of which is easy while running, sweating and just trying to catch my breath!
We are fortunate enough this week to celebrate our twelve year anniversary in Hawaii without the children. I'm able to spend time doing the things I love with my husband that I never got to do because of time. It has given me the opportunity to reflect on the years we spent here and my experiences in life. I'm able to do the things that I enjoy without worrying about time, children, and all the other “mommy” responsibilities I normally have. I can once again focus on being my husband's wife, even if only for a short time.
This being said, the challenges of raising my growing young family are always there but serve to make life itself that much more meaningful for my husband and I. Though our days seem shorter and time together more and more sparse, the kids provide a constant flow of energy and excitement in our home that I have learned to thrive off of and it has fortunately served to strengthen our marriages bonds and commitment. Our children gave us plenty of opportunities to stretch and grow mentally, emotionally and spiritually over the years that have past. And these lessons in life only serve to better enable us to be better parents, better spouses, and better friends in the now and in the future.
How Do Children Change a Marriage." Professor's House. 2007. Professor's House. 2 Dec 2008.
Early in our marriage, when it was just my husband and I, we were able to just pick up and go without the cares and considerations that would soon be greeting us. It was easy for us to hop in the car and do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted. A year and a half later, things changed. Suddenly we had one more mouth to feed and body to clothe, which meant new financial pressures and additional strains on personal “us” time. We had added responsibility to our marriage and life. And a big one at that.
With each addition to our family, the financial pressure and strains on personal time grew. As the pressure and strain increased on the one hand, so did the joy and excitement of our growing family. With each new child came a newness of life and an excitement at watching this tiny person grow and learn, and begin to experience the world around them. To share this together was special and I hold it as one of my life's sweetest experiences, though this is not to say for a moment that it was easy.
An article I found on the website captures the essence of many of these new found changes when the author stated the following:
"There is no doubt that you’ll love your little boy or girl, but there is also no doubt about whether your marriage relationship will change or not. Motherly instincts catch the father off- guard and fatherly instincts catch the mother off-guard. Your available time changes too, in the face of responsibilities. A short visit to hang out with the guys becomes a distant memory for the father – and time for sex, let alone a quiet conversation, becomes hard to find. Mothers may find it hard to meet up with friends for some time together or struggle to juggle household responsibilities.
The marriage can either strengthen or fall apart when these changes come, but the main thing is that both parents need is to stay on the same page when it comes to your priorities and goals (www.professorshouse.com)."
I believe that the degree to which one allows children and the attendant changes to the marriage relationship to positively or negatively impact their life depends heavily on the strength of the love, commitment, and communication that exists between the spouses. The greatest joys in life can be realized within the bonds of a growing young family, as can the the greatest trials and hardships if we allow. Much of this is determined by the closeness of the couple, shared individual and personal goals, and a true sense of partnership or teamwork when approaching family matters.
During my six years in Hawaii my husband and I ended up having four additional children. Due to the fact that I was pregnant or nursing a baby for the majority of those years I found myself never having time to do the fun things I enjoy doing with my husband, such as hiking, running and outdoor activities. The primary limiting factor throughout this period was simply time. Time for the children, time for each other, and just as important, time for myself. As I found the days growing more and more hectic, I realized that quality time for my husband and I was very limited, and when the occasion did arise for us to get away for a few hours I wanted to make sure to use it wisely. “Wisely” at the time more often than not meant dinner and just spending time together, usually in the evenings when running and other outdoor activities were virtually impossible. This time spent together became priceless and we wanted to maximize our opportunity to just sit down and talk and share, neither of which is easy while running, sweating and just trying to catch my breath!
We are fortunate enough this week to celebrate our twelve year anniversary in Hawaii without the children. I'm able to spend time doing the things I love with my husband that I never got to do because of time. It has given me the opportunity to reflect on the years we spent here and my experiences in life. I'm able to do the things that I enjoy without worrying about time, children, and all the other “mommy” responsibilities I normally have. I can once again focus on being my husband's wife, even if only for a short time.
This being said, the challenges of raising my growing young family are always there but serve to make life itself that much more meaningful for my husband and I. Though our days seem shorter and time together more and more sparse, the kids provide a constant flow of energy and excitement in our home that I have learned to thrive off of and it has fortunately served to strengthen our marriages bonds and commitment. Our children gave us plenty of opportunities to stretch and grow mentally, emotionally and spiritually over the years that have past. And these lessons in life only serve to better enable us to be better parents, better spouses, and better friends in the now and in the future.
How Do Children Change a Marriage." Professor's House. 2007. Professor's House. 2 Dec 2008
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